This article is part of our Thunderbastard series.
My loyal follower(s), it has been too long since we have been together. But don't worry, my time away has been well spent. Over the last few months I have closely studied the teams and players of the Turkish Second Division, read multiple self-help books, gotten into phenomenal shape, and taken a great interest in fake news.
Now, after this much needed break I am ready to propel your fantasy team to the top of the table. Just as you don't look at baseball standings until after Memorial Day, you don't really worry about your fantasy standings until after Thanksgiving. December is the busiest month of the year in the Premier League and this is where your season can be won or lost...that's why I am here for you.
The good news is that I didn't need to look far to find some stellar fantasy advice - to be honest, the truth is out there (quick nod to my X-File friends), you just need to know where to look. This week, the truth has been found in the most obvious of places: holiday music. Yes, it has already happened - holiday music is everywhere and coming from every speaker you pass. So, I took the hint and decided to look at some of the biggest holiday hits from across the pond and see just how they could help us. What I found, besides having catchy lyrics and memorable tunes, is that these songs and artists offer us plenty of hints to help us toward winning lineup.
Band-Aid: Do They Know It's Christmas
In 1984, the Bob Geldof created supergroup, Band-Aid, recorded the song Do They Know It's Christmas. Since then, it has been re-recorded three times and is a staple of the holiday season all over the world. Each recording consisted of multiple artists, so it did take a little searching to find our fantasy clues -- but they were there.
Phil Collins of Genesis (one of my favorite bands as a youth - though I preferred when Peter Gabriel was the lead) was one of the original performers and gives us our first clue. Collins is a lifelong Spurs fan and his allegiance led me to do some research in regards to the big match-up with Bob Bradley's Swansea team this weekend.
Though Swansea is coming off a big win and showing steady improvement under Bradley (I so hope they let him buy some new center-backs), they will have their hands full at White Hart Lane this weekend and you can certainly expect plenty of goals. Tottenham is third in the Premier League with 17 shots per game and Swans gives up the fourth-most shots (15.1), so Spurs should have no shortage of opportunities. With this in mind, it would be very easy to tell you to start Harry Kane and watch him terrorize Swansea's overmatched back line (who may lie down like lambs on Broadway). However, the Thunderbastard is here to fill in the holes you might not all know about or understand.
20-year-old Dele Alli is coming back from injury and played relatively well aganst Chelsea last weekend. The focus that Kane draws should open up some gaps and allow Alli to be involved in some large offensive numbers. Alli comes at a decent price of £8.1 in the Premier League's official game and will likely get you anywhere from 6-10 points in this game. You don't need an Invisible Touch to realize that playing guys for Tottenham this week makes a lot of sense.
Duran Duran's Simon Le Bon also took part in the original Band Aid and serves as my next fantasy muse. Though it would be easy to assume that he is a Wolves fan (Hungry Like the Wolf - get it), Le Bon is actually a huge Man United supporter (which can't be much fun this year - or for the past few years). This weekend, in the battle of teams that have been painful to watch (who are amazingly sixth and seventh in the league), United travels to Everton, a team that has won once in their last six. Assuming your remote is stuck on one channel and you have to watch the game, there are a couple of key things to look for from a fantasy standpoint:
First, avoid the natural Reflex (see what I am doing here) to think about someone like Zlatan Ibrahimovic or Wayne Rooney. Even if they play, they won't put up any numbers. Secondly, it should be a physical game with plenty of whistles. Both teams rank near the top when it comes to fouls committed (Man United 13.8, Everton 12.3) and tackles (Man United 18.7, Everton 20.3). Finally, don't expect a lot of goals; Everton has scored only three times in the last four games and United has allowed more than one goal only twice all year.
The prediction here is a Paul Pogba has a View to a Kill and buries a late PK for a 1-0 Man United victory; but his £8.2 may be a bit high. Your best play from this game, and possibly your captain for the week, is David De Gea. For £5.6 he is a good bet to grab a clean sheet and the win. This is no Ordinary World and might be the move the propels you a victory.
Spice Girls: Christmas Wrapping
When it comes to Christmas songs in the UK, another fan favorite is the Spice Girls and their popular (yet horrific) cover version of the song Christmas Wrapping, by the Waitresses. Now I Wannabe (I really hope you have caught on by now) be straight with you and admit that at first, I didn't think this fab five would offer me any fantasy clues, but I was wrong. Sure, we know Posh has her allegiance to United and Baby is all in for Spurs, however, did you know that all Sporty Spice wants, what she really, really wants, is for Liverpool to win the league?!?
Well, Sporty ought to be feeling a little nervous this weekend as the banged up Reds travel to Bournemouth for a potentially tricky fixture. Bournemouth has only lost two of six at home and has conceded a mere six goals during those games. Liverpool, on the other hand, has only lost once on the road and scored 13 goals during those contests. With so many players likely out, including Philippe Coutinho, Daniel Sturridge and Roberto Firmino, it is gonna be up to players like Sadio Mane to keep Liverpool at or near the top of the table. The Reds lead the Prem with 32 goals, and though they have some big guns out, you can expect they should still rack up some goals and a 3-1 victory. We have seen that Bournemouth struggles against skilled players and ball wizards like Mane all year, and he should be involved in plenty of Liverpool's scoring opportunities. I imagine all week in training he is humming, "I wanna really, really, really wanna zigazig" and therefore Mane (who is a pricey £9.2) makes for a great play this weekend.
Wham!: Last Christmas
When it comes to Christmas songs in England, very few can match the super duo, Wham!, and their 1984 smash hit, Last Christmas. The song (go ahead, start humming it - you won't stop the rest of the day) has become ingrained in the holidays. Though released in 1984, it still reached no. 18 on the 2015 UK Billboard for a five-week span over the holiday season. Well, Wham! (did you know they had an exclamation point in their name, I didn't until I did this) did more than just make great music; they too help offer some excellent insight into the fantasy world.
Andrew Ridgely (bet you thought I was going with George didn't you) is a huge Arsenal fan and must be pleased with the Gunners start to the season. Of course, if you look at the lyrics to Last Christmas, you could think it was written for an Arsenal fan - "once bitten and twice shy, I keep my distance, But you still catch my eye," "I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away" --- Arsenal fans, I hope it isn't too disappointing when you realize that this year, once again, is not the year.
This weekend might be an unfortunate preview of what's to come for you Gunner supporters. Arsenal has been giving up goals on a regular basis and their propensity for not putting away teams will come back to bite them this Saturday. Though West Ham is struggling and just outside the relegation zone, they have played teams tightly and only have dropped two of their last seven fixtures. I am big fan of Dimitri Payet (who is rumored to be the top target of Manchester United - please Dimitri, don't go) and am predicting the Hammers to win this weekend's battle in a big upset.
Many of you may want to play Alexis Sanchez this weekend, however, wait and Wake Me Up Before You Go Go - because it is not a good play. Trust me, this is no Careless Whisper--- play the combo of Payet (£9.2), and Michail Antonio (£6.8) and bet on a West Ham 2-1 victory.
Oasis - Merry Christmas Everybody
Finally, we turn to a band out of Manchester and their lead singer. Noel Gallagher's band, Oasis, covered Slade's Merry Christmas Everybody in 2002 and it has been a regular on the English airwaves during the holidays since. However, it is the band's song Wonderwall, that is often featured at Man City - Gallagher's lifelong team - home games.
This week, City hosts the game of the year (to date) when they welcome top-of-the-table Chelsea. Chelsea has won every Premier League game since September and has outscored opponents 19-1 in this amazing seven-game stretch. City has only lost one game all year, however, they have drawn three of their last six. Yaya Toure is finally in Pep Guardiola's starting 11 and this is the kind of game where he could excel and really put his stamp on this City squad. Diego Costa is also built for games like this and if I had to play one person from this game it would be him. I see this game ending in a 1-1 draw and suggest you stay away from it for any fantasy value - just watch it for viewing value and enjoy your own Champagne Supernova.
Thunderbastard of the Week: Denis Glushakov from Spartak Moscow
