Note: Rankings are real, but comments, some of which are offensive and in poor taste, are not meant to be taken seriously.
Warning: many, if not most, are stupid, though it can't be worse than last year's.
| Rank | Player | Pos | Team | Comment |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Todd Gurley | RB | LAR | Mid-game Jeff Fisher flashbacks pose added risk |
| 2 | Le'Veon Bell | RB | PIT | Slated for 400 carries/whatever it takes to kill him and long-term deal demands |
| 3 | David Johnson | RB | ARZ | Literally worst ROI in FF history at 1.1 last year |
| 4 | Antonio Brown | WR | PIT | Second best wideout on his team, injured for FF playoffs |
| 5 | Saquon Barkley | RB | NYG | Floor better be the ionosphere because Giants still stuck with Eli |
| 6 | Ezekiel Elliott | RB | DAL | Not expected to be suspended or jailed this season |
| 7 | Kareem Hunt | RB | KC | Tends to disappear for five-game stretches |
| 8 | Alvin Kamara | RB | NO | Think peak Danny Woodhead after regression hits |
| 9 | Odell Beckham | WR | NYG | Pretty sure that was cocaine in the video |
| 10 | Leonard Fournette | RB | JAC | Going down Trent Richardson career path |
| 11 | Melvin Gordon | RB | LAC | Average back being fed big workload for God knows what reason |
| 12 | DeAndre Hopkins | WR | HOU | Sluggish target hog, should benefit from less barbaric QB play |
| 13 | Julio Jones | WR | ATL | Luckily world peace doesn't depend on him catching a TD |
| 14 | Michael Thomas | WR | NO | Poor man's Marques Colston |
| 15 | Keenan Allen | WR | LAC | Lock for IR by midseason |
| 16 | Davante Adams | WR | GB | Happy they got rid of Jordy Nelson's rotting carcass |
| 17 | A.J. Green | WR | CIN | Poor man's Julio Jones |
| 18 | Dalvin Cook | RB | MIN | Hoping to enjoy Week 5 this year |
| 19 | T.Y. Hilton | WR | IND | T.Y. Ramada Inn |
| 20 | Christian McCaffrey | RB | CAR | Slated for 480 touches this year according to his coach |
| 21 | Mike Evans | WR | TB | Big, slow and useless |
| 22 | Amari Cooper | WR | OAK | Even Houdini was awed by Cooper's 2017 |
| 23 | Devonta Freeman | RB | ATL | Doesn't remember the last two seasons |
| 24 | Jarvis Landry | WR | CLE | Great at catching the two-yard pass |
| 25 | Juju Smith-Schuster | WR | PIT | If he does poorly, the Steelers can be said to have bad Juju |
| 26 | Adam Thielen | WR | MIN | Could eventually sign with the Patriots |
| 27 | Rob Gronkowski | TE | NE | Unlike prior NE tight ends, draws the line at concussing people |
| 28 | Jordan Howard | RB | CHI | The average left tackle has better hands |
| 29 | Demaryius Thomas | WR | DEN | Glad to be playing with a more evolved QB this year |
| 30 | Tyreek Hill | WR | KC | Only runs one route at one speed |
| 31 | Allen Robinson | WR | CHI | Been almost as long as Josh Gordon since he did anything |
| 32 | Golden Tate | WR | DET | Worried Bitcoin Tate will take his job |
| 33 | Travis Kelce | TE | KC | Has the impulse control of a five-year old |
| 34 | Doug Baldwin | WR | SEA | Already hurt |
| 35 | Joe Mixon | RB | CIN | Poor man's Gio Bernard |
| 36 | Stefon Diggs | WR | MIN | the last play of the Saints playoff game more than the NFC title game |
| 37 | LeSean McCoy | RB | BUF | Downside is Rae Carruth |
| 38 | Marvin Jones | WR | DET | Poor man's Kenny Golladay |
| 39 | Jerick McKinnon | RB | SF | So much worse than he should be |
| 40 | Kenyan Drake | RB | MIA | Playing time/role in hands of a sociopath |
| 41 | Mark Ingram | RB | NO | Roid use shows commitment to excellence |
| 42 | Zach Ertz | TE | PHI | Deceptive speed |
| 43 | Marquise Goodwin | WR | SF | No team knows less about its receivers than the Bills |
| 44 | Alex Collins | RB | BAL | Yet another reminder how poorly the Seahawks evaluate RB talent |
| 45 | Jay Ajayi | RB | PHI | Even if he were Jim Brown, Eagles would spread carries around |
| 46 | Larry Fitzgerald | WR | ARI | And Gerald Fits Larry |
| 47 | Brandin Cooks | WR | LAR | on a lot of different stoves as he traverses the league |
| 48 | Derrick Henry | RB | TEN | One and a half down back |
| 49 | Alshon Jeffery | WR | PHI | 15-foot wing span useless when you can't lift arms above shoulders |
| 50 | Chris Hogan | WR | NE | Filing in at white receiver until Julian Edelman gets back |
| 51 | Aaron Rodgers | QB | GB | Prime totally squandered under McCarthy |
| 52 | Greg Olsen | TE | CAR | Should have retired |
| 53 | Josh Gordon | WR | CLE | Playing for the Browns while sober is daunting indeed |
| 54 | Robby Anderson | WR | NYJ | Big upside if he stays out of jail |
| 55 | Robert Woods | WR | LAR | Team so pleased with Woods it signed Brandin Cooks to a long-term deal |
| 56 | Tarik Cohen | RB | CHI | World's fastest person with that last name |
| 57 | Corey Davis | WR | TEN | No. 5 overall was a serious reach |
| 58 | Dion Lewis | RB | TEN | Great choice for the two games in which he's healthy |
| 59 | Sammy Watkins | WR | KC | Maybe the Chiefs will actually use him |
| 60 | Ronald Jones II | RB | TB | Poor man's Ronald Jones I |
| 61 | Emmanuel Sanders | WR | DEN | Amazed the Broncos haven't developed his replacement yet |
| 62 | Royce Freeman | RB | DEN | Random rookie to whom Brad Evans is irrationally attached |
| 63 | Evan Engram | TE | NYG | Had entire offense to himself last year, barely produced |
| 64 | Pierre Garcon | WR | SF | Could be waiting tables soon if he struggles |
| 65 | Marqise Lee | WR | JAX | Doesn't agree that "u" always follows "q" |
| 66 | Nelson Agholor | WR | PHI | Another mouth to feed in annoyingly diverse offense |
| 67 | Jimmy Graham | TE | GB | Bad hands, no burst, visiting with Dr. Rodgers |
| 68 | Deshaun Watson | QB | HOU | Returns from torn ACL behind league's worst O-line. What could go wrong? |
| 69 | Russell Wilson | QB | SEA | Runs for his life on every play |
| 70 | Marshawn Lynch | RB | OAK | Too old school for Jon Gruden |
| 71 | Cam Newton | QB | CAR | Despised by Kelvin Benjamin |
| 72 | Cooper Kupp | WR | LAR | Noticed Patriots scouts following him around |
| 73 | Will Fuller | WR | HOU | Unlikely to catch TD per quarter this year |
| 74 | Isaiah Crowell | RB | NYJ | Already concussed |
| 75 | Michael Crabtree | WR | BAL | Richard Sherman was right |
| 76 | Delanie Walker | TE | TEN | Old and short |
| 77 | Jamison Crowder | WR | WAS | Small, slow and unreliable |
| 78 | Tom Brady | QB | NE | Poor man's Jimmy G |
| 79 | Lamar Miller | RB | HOU | No |
| 80 | Aaron Jones | RB | GB | Following Le'Veon Bell career path |
| 81 | Sony Michel | RB | NE | Should have gone with a Samsung |
| 82 | Rashaad Penny | RB | SEA | Penny wise pound foolish |
| 83 | Chris Carson | RB | SEA | Exists only for the Seahawks to self-troll their 2018 draft |
| 84 | D.J. Moore | WR | CAR | If he beats up a cornerback, he could be the next Steve Smith |
| 85 | Devin Funchess | WR | CAR | Poor man's Kelvin Benjamin |
| 86 | Devontae Booker | RB | DEN | Looking forward to legalized sports betting |
| 87 | Kelvin Benjamin | WR | BUF | Should qualify at tight end |
| 88 | Julian Edelman | WR | NE | No one more willing to play concussed or roided |
| 89 | Anthony Miller | WR | CHI | Rookie receivers are only useful in 2014 |
| 90 | Duke Johnson | RB | CLE | Doesn't leave the locker room before third down |
| 91 | Tevin Coleman | RB | ATL | Value depends on another man getting concussed |
| 92 | Kenny Stills | WR | MIA | Can always go into photography if the NFL doesn't work out |
| 93 | Jamaal Williams | RB | GB | Perfect on team that can't evaluate talent |
| 94 | Trey Burton | TE | CHI | Trendy sleeper with one good game in four years |
| 95 | Rex Burkhead | RB | NE | Enjoy drafting him and having no idea when or how he'll be used |
| 96 | Kenny Golladay | WR | DET | Kilo-tron |
| 97 | Chris Thompson | RB | WAS | See Lewis, Dion |
| 98 | Nick Chubb | RB | CLE | Prone to weight gain |
| 99 | Carson Wentz | QB | PHI | System QB |
| 100 | Peyton Barber | RB | TB | Making those who pay sticker for Ronald Jones take a haircut |
| 101 | Kerryon Johnson | RB | DET | Carry on drafting useful players instead |
| 102 | Marlon Mack | RB | IND | Already hurt |
| 103 | Randall Cobb | WR | GB | Shell of his former self |
| 104 | Josh Doctson | WR | WAS | Following the DeVante Parker career path |
| 105 | Chris Godwin | WR | TB | According to Hitler's law: as soon as Godwin is picked, the draft is over |
| 106 | Carlos Hyde | RB | CLE | Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Chubb |
| 107 | Calvin Ridley | WR | ATL | Poor man's Mohamed Sanu |
| 108 | John Ross | WR | CIN | Favorite to win any race - especially if the finish line is IR |
| 109 | Martavis Bryant | WR | OAK | DGAF about the playbook. Throw it deep. |
| 110 | Allen Hurns | WR | DAL | Someone has to catch conservative throws from Dak Prescott |
| 111 | Sterling Shepard | WR | NYG | Good at tending sheep |
| 112 | Jimmy Garoppolo | QB | SF | Brushed up on skills with professional help |
| 113 | DeSean Jackson | WR | TB | Talent wasted in moronic offense |
| 114 | DeVante Parker | WR | MIA | NFL's Byron Buxton |
| 115 | Jordy Nelson | WR | OAK | If he doesn't stick in Oakland, surely he can latch on in New England |
| 116 | Tyler Lockett | WR | SEA | Special teams ace forced to run routes due to lack of depth |
| 117 | Bilal Powell | RB | NYJ | Someone's got to suit up during the preseason |
| 118 | Theo Riddick | RB | DET | See Johnson, Duke |
| 119 | Jared Goff | QB | LAR | Formed Jeff Fisher survivor group with Case Keenum and Nick Foles |
| 120 | Drew Brees | QB | NO | Excellent at handing off last year |
| 121 | Jordan Wilkins | RB | IND | Random scrub with a chance to win role |
| 122 | Kirk Cousins | QB | MIN | Poor man's Case Keenum |
| 123 | Matthew Stafford | QB | DET | Semi-competent compiler |
| 124 | O.J. Howard | TE | TB | Forced to block because Cameron Brate got paid |
| 125 | Andrew Luck | QB | IND | Month 20 is when the healing really kicks in |
| 126 | Mike Williams | WR | LAC | Increasingly unclear why the Chargers used a top-10 pick on him |
| 127 | LeGarrette Blount | RB | DET | Will punch you in the mouth |
| 128 | Kyle Rudolph | TE | MIN | Refuses to work outside of red zone |
| 129 | Patrick Mahomes | QB | KC | Dan McGwire had arm strength too |
| 130 | Rishard Matthews | WR | TEN | Top-secret ailment |
| 131 | Cameron Meredith | WR | NO | One of many sleepers who didn't wake up |
| 132 | Michael Gallup | WR | DAL | Michael Canter, based on 40 time |
| 133 | Giovani Bernard | RB | CIN | Productive on the rare occasion he's healthy |
| 134 | Philip Rivers | QB | LAC | Worst stats to wins ratio in NFL history (edging out Tony Romo due to longevity) |
| 135 | Ben Roethlisberger | QB | PIT | Why retire when the damage is already done? |
| 136 | Jack Doyle | TE | IND | Poor man's Gary Barnidge |
| 137 | C.J. Anderson | RB | CAR | Exists only to destroy Christian McCaffrey's value |
| 138 | Corey Coleman | WR | BUF | Dealt for peanuts the day his replacement was arrested |
| 139 | Jordan Reed | TE | WAS | Bump up if he gets a prosthetic foot |
| 140 | Eric Ebron | TE | IND | Was destined for big things but dropped the ball |
| 141 | Dak Prescott | QB | DAL | Proved surprising rookie year was a fluke |
| 142 | Cameron Brate | TE | TB | Biggest virtues are inability to block and exorbitant contract |
| 143 | Matt Ryan | QB | ATL | After one-year aberration, back to Vanilla Ice |
| 144 | Alex Smith | QB | WAS | No longer terrified to take a chance |
| 145 | Samaje Perine | RB | WAS | What you get when you combine pee and urine |
| 146 | David Njoku | TE | CLE | Seriously |
| 147 | Marcus Mariota | QB | TEN | Poor man's Vince Young |
| 148 | George Kittle | TE | SF | George Brittle |
| 149 | Latavius Murray | RB | MIN | "Latavius" is Latin for vulture. |
| 150 | Mohamed Sanu | WR | ATL | Has the upside of a dead rodent |
