Thunderbastard: A Gift That Keeps on Giving

This article is part of our Thunderbastard series.

If you are anything like me, you have been too busy watching the ascent of Leicester City, setting your playoff fantasy football (NFL) lineups and catching up on Homeland to do a lot of Christmas shopping. Well, no fear, this week's ThunderBastard is dedicated to helping you know not only what players to pick and avoid but also what gifts to get for your significant other this holiday season.

So, without further adieu, let me help you make this gift giving season a win/win.

Gift Card: The Sure Thing of the Gift-Giving World (assuming you've been together long enough)

Full disclosure, I am a HUGE fan of the gift card. After watching my lovely wife try to grin and fake it through multiple sweaters, necklaces and coffee mugs, I finally came to grips with my gift-giving limitations. So, one year I went for it and went all gift cards; and I ain't ever goin' back! Life lesson - just give 'em what they want.

When setting your lineup for this weekend, it is plain and simple. Don't be afraid of taking the sure thing; play your gift card! The only question might be which gift card to play (I might lean on Boden and Athleta a little too much).

The ultimate gift card of this year's EPL season is Riyad Mahrez. The attacking midfielder from Algeria is, without a doubt, the best value in fantasy. He tops the list for price per point, top point scorer overall and points per game (8.8). Beyond this, Mahrez has been on the Dream Team eight times already (the next closest is five: Romelu Lukau and Odion Ighalo). Traveling to Goodison Park can be challenging and I hate doing this to Tim Howard, but trust this gift card, you won't be disappointed!

Disclaimer: If this is a new relationship, you should probably avoid the gift card and take a gamble on one of the suggestions below.

A Day at the Spa - Relaxing, but how many do you buy?

Ok, a trip to the spa is usually a pretty good bet. She gets away from you (and potentially the family) for the day and most spas offer plenty of options (a gift card to the spa...now you are catching on).

Newcastle's defense has had very few moments when they could relax this season. The Magpies have allowed the most goals in the league (31) and the most shots per game (16.7). However, this week they may finally get a break, playing an Aston Villa team that has scored only 13 goals this season, with a mere seven coming from open play. Aston Villa has already been shut out seven times and there is little reason to believe they will break out of their scoring slump this weekend (even against the league's worst defense).

So, with Tim Krul (knee) still out, perhaps you could actually get some milage out of Robert Elliot (£4.0) in the Newcastle goal. Of course, one of the challenges of the spa gift is that ladies like to go to these things in pairs. So, either you give her enough to take someone else (it won't be you) or you get another buddy to buy one for his someone special. Since these have to go in pairs, consider Daryl Janmaat (£4.7) too. He has scored at least five fantasy points in three of his last six fixtures and could likely get you at least five against Villa.

This isn't going win you gift of the year, but it may help round out a solid overall selection. Of course, when buying your spa gift, do some research; not all spas are the same and you want to make sure this gift-giving season is a successful one.

Exercise Equipment - Hey honey, you're fat

If I need to explain this one to you then odds are you don't have anyone to give a present to anyway. Go ahead, buy her a treadmill or an elliptical and then go make Wayne Rooney your captain. Nice choice!

Jewelry - High-risk, potentially high-reward

The ultimate swing for the fences gift; if you get it just right, it is a home run and you're the big winner of the holiday season. But if you get it wrong, and that is entirely possible (you should see the necklace and set of earrings my wife has to pretend to like but not wear for years), then you spend the holidays getting that sympathetic, "you thought that was pretty" smile and hearing her tell everyone "how sweet it was of you to try."

This week's jewelry pick is Ross Barkley. In his last 10 matches he has had fantasy scores of two, two, 19, 13, two, two, seven, two, one and two, respectively. Sure, if he happens to be on and hits one of those big scores, you have made the epic call of the week. However, if he scores as normal, you have more or less wasted £7.4 and will be getting that look; you really thought Champagne was the newest trend in diamonds???

Technology - Who is this gift for?

This gift always seems like a great idea; of course it does, because you are buying her something that YOU want, not something SHE wants. Sure, you may love the new sound bar. Sure, the new 60-inch TV might have a great picture and look fantastic. But what you need to understand is that even though the gift may seem great, it is a little transparent and likely won't be very popular (of course once she's over it, you do have a new TV).

With this endgame in mind, and if Machiavelli is your man, then by all mans go for it. If you are looking for players that best represent the "what's in it for me?" persona, then I have your duo. Consider these stats, among the three of us: Olivier Giroud (nine), Harry Kane (eight) and I (zero) have scored 17 goals this season but we all have the same number of assists. Great goal scorers who don't seem to do anything for anyone else. Yes, Kane and Giroud are the curved screen TVs of EPL fantasy; your call on this one.

Clothing - One in a million doc, one in a million

Smarten up, clothing is a no-win option at holiday time. Sure, there might be the slightest chance that you find something that fits and she likes it, but don't be mistaken, that one success is fool's gold. If you give clothing, you better be prepared for some of the following statements and thoughts:

"Is this what he thinks I like?"
"Does he even know me?"
"He thinks I'm a medium?"
"He saw Sharon wearing this, that's why he likes it."

Newcastle's (wow, there is a lot of Newcastle talk in this article) Georginio Wijnaldum is the ugly sweater of fantasy soccer. Yes, he had a score of 25 one week and 14 in another, but he has scored three points or fewer 10 different times.

Don't get caught up in buying clothing or Mr. Wijnaldum; it is a sure miss and will only lead to an awkward return (and you never get credit for the new item).

Final Words of Wisdom:

We all know the best gifts are the ones that say "I know you and I love you." They are small, inexpensive, meaningful and clever, truly from the heart. Ha, right, like those exist.

ThunderBastard of the Week:

A throwback to Stevie G from 2004. It's worth multiple views (and because I hadn't gotten any Liverpool love into the article)