Warning: many if not most are stupid.
| Rank | Player | Pos | Team | Comment |
| 1 | Adrian Peterson | RB | MIN | Had bionic ACL illegally installed |
| 2 | Doug Martin | RB | TB | Should beat out Peyton Hillis |
| 3 | Jamaal Charles | RB | KC | Carted off practice field for incredibly minor injury |
| 4 | C.J. Spiller | RB | BUF | Can't be trusted with a secret |
| 5 | Trent Richardson | RB | CLE | No one else makes 3.6 YPC look so good |
| 6 | Calvin Johnson | WR | DET | Specializes in catches at the one-yard line |
| 7 | Arian Foster | RB | HOU | Should be just fine after 405 carries (including playoffs) last year |
| 8 | Ray Rice | RB | BAL | Tall, slim version of MJD |
| 9 | LeSean McCoy | RB | PHI | Despises Hatfields |
| 10 | Dez Bryant | WR | DAL | Didn't deck his mom this year |
| 11 | Maurice Jones-Drew | RB | JAC | Not tall enough to punch bouncer in the face |
| 12 | Alfred Morris | RB | WAS | Set football back 30 years |
| 13 | Marshawn Lynch | RB | SEA | Trouble-free offseason could upset routine |
| 14 | A.J. Green | WR | CIN | Odd to see top talent on the Bengals |
| 15 | Demaryius Thomas | WR | DEN | Imagine how good he'd be if Peyton could turn his head |
| 16 | Julio Jones | WR | ATL | Only Falcons skill player under 40 |
| 17 | Chris Johnson | RB | HOU | Uniquely capable of horrible games |
| 18 | Matt Forte | RB | CHI | Scoring is not his Forte |
| 19 | Brandon Marshall | WR | CHI | Anyone can produce on 195 targets |
| 20 | Jimmy Graham | TE | NO | Not a cracker |
| 21 | Steven Jackson | RB | ATL | Freed from St. Louis but probably too late |
| 22 | Stevan Ridley | RB | NE | One of the many creative permutations of "Steven" |
| 23 | DeMarco Murray | RB | DAL | Taking the McFadden career path |
| 24 | Larry Fitzgerald | WR | ARZ | And Gerald fits Larry |
| 25 | Roddy White | WR | ATL | Only player as boring as Matt Ryan |
| 26 | Andre Johnson | WR | HOU | Would it kill him to score 10 TDs one year? |
| 27 | Aaron Rodgers | QB | GB | Dumb enough to trust Ryan Braun |
| 28 | Darren McFadden | RB | OAK | O/U on career 16-game seasons is zero |
| 29 | David Wilson | RB | NYG | Sucks that blocking is part of the job |
| 30 | Dwayne Bowe | WR | KC | Likely not sorry to see Cassel/Crennel era end |
| 31 | Cam Newton | QB | CAR | Should have bodyslammed kid in commercial |
| 32 | Drew Brees | QB | NO | His Pepsi commercials are low-point for Western civilization |
| 33 | Frank Gore | RB | SF | Name describes slasher flick that gets to the point |
| 34 | Reggie Bush | RB | DET | Poor man's Darren Sproles |
| 35 | Torrey Smith | WR | BAL | Should see 250 targets given Joe Flacco's other options |
| 36 | Hakeem Nicks | WR | NYG | Aptly named, given his propensity for nagging injuries |
| 37 | Vincent Jackson | WR | TB | Had foresight to abandon sinking ship in SD |
| 38 | Randall Cobb | WR | GB | Would get his ass kicked by Randall "Tex" Cobb |
| 39 | Rob Gronkowski | TE | NE | Back surgery limits "repertoire"; could cost him off-field reps |
| 40 | Victor Cruz | WR | NYG | Stop dancing and catch the ball this year |
| 41 | Jordy Nelson | WR | GB | Deceptive speed |
| 42 | Ryan Mathews | RB | SD | So injury-prone, committee news in SD doesn't drop his stock |
| 43 | Eddie Lacy | RB | GB | Candidate to replace Brian Bulaga at LT |
| 44 | Lamar Miller | RB | MIA | Beating out D.Thomas is NFL's lowest bar to clear |
| 45 | Ahmad Bradshaw | RB | NYG | 70 percent of his feet now comprised of screws and plates |
| 46 | Danny Amendola | WR | NE | Fills "small white guy" slot so crucial to NE's offense |
| 47 | Montee Ball | RB | DEN | Formerly hosted "Let's Make a Deal" |
| 48 | Marques Colston | WR | NO | Horrible numbers for No. 1 WR in most prolific offense of all time |
| 49 | Peyton Manning | QB | DEN | Maybe we should all get spinal fusion |
| 50 | Mike Wallace | WR | MIA | Corpse of former 60 minutes anchor surprisingly fast |
| 51 | Rashard Mendenhall | RB | ARZ | Playing out the string in AZ like E. James and E. Smith, only w/o career achievements |
| 52 | Daryl Richardson | RB | STL | If he's a bust, you can chant "Daryl" at your draft next year |
| 53 | Shane Vereen | RB | NE | Disposed of the body |
| 54 | Cecil Shorts | WR | JAC | Name describes what he'd do if forced to invest in his quarterbacks |
| 55 | Andrew Luck | QB | IND | Aptly named given team's negative point differential and playoff appearance |
| 56 | Vernon Davis | TE | SF | Saved for special occasions |
| 57 | Tom Brady | QB | NE | Ordered the hit |
| 58 | Matt Ryan | QB | ATL | Vanilla Ice has won a playoff game |
| 59 | Mike Williams | QB | TB | Happy he's neither Michael Clayton nor the other Mike Williams |
| 60 | Giovani Bernard | RB | CIN | Never trust a man with two first names, especially if one is Italian, and he's not |
| 61 | Eric Decker | QB | DEN | Deceptive speed |
| 62 | Andre Brown | RB | NYG | Can do everything except stay healthy |
| 63 | Matthew Stafford | QB | DET | Needs 700 attempts to be useful. |
| 64 | Colin Kaepernick | QB | SF | Only player with more tattoos than Aaron Hernandez |
| 65 | Pierre Garcon | WR | WAS | Players with French names can't stay healthy (see Thomas, Pierre) |
| 66 | DeSean Jackson | WR | PHI | Only NFL player who weighs less than 100 pounds |
| 67 | Josh Gordon | WR | CLE | Enjoying the NFL's substance abuse program |
| 68 | Steve Johnson | WR | BUF | Excited to be playing with Kevin Kolb this year |
| 69 | Tony Romo | QB | DAL | Can be counted on for a disastrous, season-ruining error at some point |
| 70 | Russell Wilson | QB | SEA | Best rookie QB season for a dwarf in NFL history |
| 71 | Antonio Brown | WR | PIT | Smaller, slower version of Mike Wallace |
| 72 | Robert Griffin | QB | WAS | Pretty clear his coach is not thinking long-term about his health |
| 73 | Mark Ingram | RB | NO | Much better in leagues that don't count yards |
| 74 | DeAngelo Williams | RB | CAR | The NFL's Ferrari; costs a fortune, used only occasionally |
| 75 | Steve Smith | WR | CAR | So enraged he defies the aging process |
| 76 | Wes Welker | WR | DEN | Deceptive speed |
| 77 | Kenny Britt | WR | TEN | Any day he's not injured or in jail is a win |
| 78 | Tony Gonzalez | TE | ATL | Fought in the War of 1812 |
| 79 | Jason Witten | TE | DAL | Deceptive speed, allergic to red-zone paint |
| 80 | BenJarvus Green-Ellis | RB | CIN | Good at everything except efficient forward progress |
| 81 | James Jones | WR | GB | Lucky scrub who Rodgers looks for in the red zone |
| 82 | Anquan Boldin | WR | SF | Was slow 10 years ago |
| 83 | Reggie Wayne | WR | IND | The average man would have done better with that many targets |
| 84 | Tavon Austin | WR | STL | Has future as a jockey if NFL career doesn't pan out |
| 85 | Ben Tate | RB | HOU | Can be counted on to get hurt if he ever gets the job |
| 86 | Darren Sproles | RB | NO | See Austin, Tavon |
| 87 | Chris Ivory | RB | NO | Jets need to sign a white guy named Chris Ebony |
| 88 | Eli Manning | QB | NYG | Tom Brady's owner |
| 89 | T.Y. Hilton | WR | IND | Aghast at what Paris has done to the family name |
| 90 | Rueben Randle | WR | NYG | Flattered to learn sandwiches named after him |
| 91 | Lance Moore | WR | NO | Sometimes less is Moore |
| 92 | Denarius Moore | WR | OAK | Sometimes Moore is less |
| 93 | Bernard Pierce | RB | BAL | No idea what to say about this guy |
| 94 | Bryce Brown | RB | PHI | The real McCoy, except he can't hold onto the ball |
| 95 | Stepfan Taylor | RB | ARZ | Yet another interesting permuation of Stephen |
| 96 | Greg Jennings | WR | MIN | Worst QB downgrade in NFL history |
| 97 | Chris Givens | WR | STL | Givens taketh away targets from Brian Quick |
| 98 | Miles Austin | WR | DAL | Hamstrings have meters, not miles left in them |
| 99 | Greg Olsen | TE | CAR | Amazing transition from MLB closer to NFL tight end |
| 100 | Kenbrell Thompkins | WR | NE | Who the hell is that? |
| 101 | Sidney Rice | WR | SEA | Flew 14 hours to Switzerland from Seattle for knee treatment, but of course, it's nothing serious |
| 102 | Michael Floyd | WR | ARZ | Team's neglect of No. 13 overall pick in rookie year was positively C.J. Spiller-esque |
| 103 | Jared Cook | TE | STL | Perennial sleeper who never wakes up |
| 104 | Emmanuel Sanders | WR | PIT | Only slightly bigger than Emmanuel Lewis |
| 105 | Vincent Brown | WR | SD | One of many fragile Chargers receivers |
| 106 | Alshon Jeffery | WR | CHI | Wishes Brandon Marshall would stop hogging the targets |
| 107 | Mikel Leshoure | RB | DET | Too high to be full time back |
| 108 | Justin Blackmon | WR | JAC | Could he be more of a degenerate? |
| 109 | Golden Tate | WR | SEA | Could lose his job to Platinum Tate |
| 110 | Darrius Heyward-Bey | WR | IND | Resurrected season after Steelers game |
| 111 | Ryan Broyles | WR | DET | If he had a third ACL, he would tear that one too |
| 112 | Knile Davis | RB | KC | Hasn't played since junior high |
| 113 | Antonio Gates | TE | SD | Ready for assisted living |
| 114 | Christine Michael | RB | SEA | Parents obviously wanted to toughen him up |
| 115 | Daniel Thomas | RB | MIA | 2013 could be first year he cracks 3.7 YPC |
| 116 | Nick Toon | WR | NO | The Luke Walton of the NFL |
| 117 | Rod Streater | WR | OAK | Also his porn star name |
| 118 | Jermichael Finley | TE | GB | If only he could stay healthy and catch |
| 119 | Kyle Rudolph | TE | MIN | Deceptive speed |
| 120 | Coby Fleener | TE | IND | Deceptive speed |
| 121 | Jacquizz Rodgers | RB | ATL | Most valuable name in NFL scrabble |
| 122 | Brandon LaFell | WR | CAR | Scared of Steve Smith |
| 123 | Mohamed Sanu | WR | CIN | When he takes roids, he becomes Insanu |
| 124 | Michael Bush | RB | OAK | Reggie's uncle |
| 125 | Pierre Thomas | RB | NO | Backs with French names never hold up |
| 126 | Knowshon Moreno | RB | DEN | Plodding, injury-prone back but he can block! |
| 127 | Le'Veon Bell | RB | PIT | Is reading the diary of Liz Frank |
| 128 | DuJuan Harris | RB | GB | Pack llked him so much they drafted two running backs this year |
| 129 | Fred Jackson | RB | BUF | Turns 45 in October |
| 130 | DeAndre Hopkins | WR | HOU | Could be good if DeAndre Johnson gets hurt |
| 131 | Vick Ballard | RB | iND | So mediocre team signed a player with prosthetic feet |
| 132 | Ronnie Hillman | RB | DEN | So disrespected no one takes seriously his placement atop DEN depth chart |
| 133 | Riley Cooper | WR | PHI | Caught on video attending a Kenny Chesney concert |
| 134 | Brian Hartline | WR | MIA | Hartline doesn't seem to care for the goal line |
| 135 | Michael Vick | QB | PHI | Still top dog in Philly |
| 136 | Bilal Powell | RB | NYJ | Encouraged Mike Goodson to drive with drugs and weapons |
| 137 | Isaiah Pead | RB | STL | NFL's answer to Mike Leake |
| 138 | Rashad Jennings | RB | OAK | Only on this list because Darren McFadden's O/U for games is 8. |
| 139 | Shonn Greene | RB | TEN | This year's LenDale White |
| 140 | Zac Stacy | RB | STL | Never trust a man with two first names, especially when one of them is a girl's name |
| 141 | Brandon Myers | TE | NYG | Deceptive speed |
| 142 | Santonio Holmes | WR | NYJ | Year to year with a foot injury |
| 143 | Alex Smith | QB | KC | Former No. 1 overall pick is still a sleeper in his 8th year |
| 144 | Greg Little | WR | CLE | Neither Little, nor good |
| 145 | LaMichael James | RB | SF | Poor man's LeBron James |
| 146 | Aaron Dobson | WR | NE | Looks bad at camp, but at least he's not in jail |
| 147 | Roy Helu | RB | WAS | Last year he was Roy Goodbye |
| 148 | Zach Miller | TE | SEA | Deceptive speed |
| 149 | Stephen Hill | WR | NYJ | Randy Moss without the football skills |
| 150 | Zach Sudfeld | TE | NE | Only Patriot with an alibi |
